In England's green and (un)pleasant land

I hate environmentalists. I really do.

More to the point, I hate British environmentalists.

One thing I wasn't prepared for when I arrived over here was the sheer amount of environmental flavoured press you are literally inundated with, every day you spend here. You see it on TV, in the press, on the internet. Politicians and celebrities are always trying to outdo each other in just how green they can go. Local councils bombard your letterbox with leaflets encouraging you to recycle, use less water, turn off your lights, turn off your heater. Cars are sold purely on the basis of being green, despite the fact the rest of the car is shithouse.

It is so fucking depressing, it really is.

Let's get one thing straight. I'm all for saving the environment. What I can't stand are environmentalists. They are biggest bunch of humourless, nit-picking, miserable pricks I have encountered in my time over here. And yet, somehow, they wield power beyond their means in this country. How else does such a loathsome hatemonger as "Red Ken" Livingstone get elected Mayor of London? A man who, as Mayor of London, has consistently represented a minority of Londoners - those who are environmental, left-wing, poor and who aren't white. If you don't meet those criteria, you can fuck off.

But back to environmentalists. I find myself reaching for the knife to slash my wrists sometimes, when I see them on TV. It's invariably some beardy 40 something, speaking from through his thick glasses and unkempt air. He'll be crapping on about CO2 levels, or about global warming, and how this is inevitably going to consign Britain to a watery grave once the icecaps melt and drown us all.

Either that, or the "Carbon Footprint."

Oh man, this has got to be the best one yet. Apparently, environmentalists see Carbon as being bad. So, what they do these days is bash joe public over the head with all the statistics on their carbon usage. Using your car, catching a plane, turning on your heater, flicking on a light switch - these are fast becoming frowned upon activities.

It's one aspect of Britain I'm not going to miss.

Imagine my astonishment though, when I read that John Howard is getting rid of the old lightbulbs, in an attempt to win over greenies. You better believe the beard brigade over here seized on that one with gusto, although it was tempered with restraint - after all, to your average lefty, John Howard is still the enemy.

At this rate environmentalists will start insisting we take a dump less frequently, to reduce methane levels.

For making us feel like criminals, for simply living our lives the best we can, I hate environmentalists more than anyone else in existence.

(With the exception of Laurie.)