A church like no other

You know, I'm rather glad that the Easter break is only four days long. I don't think my body could cope with much more relaxation and time off work. I swear, the time one spends working is relaxing, compared to time actually spent away from work.

Let's start with Saturday first. I met up with Kim and her friends at the river Thames at Putney, for the annual boat race between Oxford and Cambridge universities. Now, while some of you might question the reasoning for me to go and support two universities I've no affiliation to, or indeed, affection for; as they participate in a sport (rowing) which I've never really followed, let me just say, it was an excuse to go and sit by the river and drink some beer in the sunshine.

Perhaps the only silly thing I did was walk there, from my house in Cricklewood. I should explain that the rationale behind doing this was that I thought that I would start walking for a bit, enjoy the sunshine, and as it got closer to the time, I would jump on the tube and finish the trip that way. However, I was walking fairly briskly, and if I'd taken the tube at any point, I would have arrived fairly early - well before Kim and the others would have arrived. So in the end I walked the whole way, and arrived pretty much right on time. Total distance covered - just over 15 miles. One of my feet is still bruised though, as the shoes I've got at the moment are old, and worse than useless at cushioning the soles of my feet. A new pair of proper running shoes are definitely on my shopping list when I return.

For the record, Cambridge won.

It was a great day, and Kim got us an excellent vantage point - sitting right on the concrete retaining wall, the Thames washing beneath our feet as we watched the boat crews fly past. Like an idiot I forgot my camera, so you'll have to do with that description I'm afraid.

And so to Sunday. Now, if everyone is sitting down, I have a confession to make.

I went to Church on Sunday, this Easter Sunday, holiest of holy days.

When I mentioned this to Craig, he said the legs fell off his chair and he nearly had a stroke. And who can blame him - what on earth would possess such a renowned agnostic like myself to even contemplate going to Church? Well, I should add that when I say I went to Church, I went to this Church.

The Church

I had been told, (warned even) that the Church was something a person needed to do at least once while they are over here in London. And, I'm glad I did.

Basically, the way it works is that you rock up there at about 11am Sunday morning, to line up outside, to make sure you get a ticket, and a good spot inside. They open the doors at around 11:30, at which point you get in there, and immediately organise a beer.

Now, the way they serve beer in this place is magic, and more places need to introduce it. Basically, you buy a drinks ticket when you're lining up outside. One ticket is 7.50 pounds. This entitles you to 3 drinks. Once inside, you present your ticket to the bar, and they give you 3 cans of beer - we're talking half litre cans here - in a plastic bag. You crack one open, tie the bag around your belt, and wander around with your beers just hanging off your waist. Repeat as and when you run out of beer.

Of course, being a Church, it has to have a service on Sunday. Our service consisted of the following items:

First, we had the comic. Came out, did a decent stand up routine, and got the ball rolling.

This was followed by Crystal, who came out in a Cheerleader outfit and did a rather entertaining strip show, complete with hapless victims hauled up from the crowd.

After Crystal, we had another stripper called...Stallion. The Church prides itself on being a gender equal establishment - both male and female clients deserve to be entertained. Suffice to say, "Stallion" did deserve his nom de guerre, but fortunately for us, he was followed by Crystal once more, who this time took everything off.

The final event was the boat races - basically what happens is that you get a team of 4 people from a certain country on stage, competing against another 4 people. Each person in each team has to scull a can of beer, and the team who finishes first wins. Easy. Only issue is that once you finish your beer, you need to stand the can on your head, to signal the next person to go. However, if you haven't finished it fully, you get the contents tipped over you, and it's a 5 second spillage penalty.

They also had a fancy dress costume contest, being Easter and all, which was won by a bloke who came dressed as Jesus, complete with white bedsheet, crown of thorns, red marker blood and a big cardboard cross.

And finally the atmosphere of the place - well, it's loud, and unashamedly relaxed. In between each event in the service you get classic rock pumped out, everyone inside is on the piss, and they have 2 big screen TV's on each side of the stage. A cameraman is up in the wings, taking shots of the crowd - any girl who has a decent amount of cleavage is zoomed in on, and the words "Take it off!" get flashed up on the screen. Any shirt lifting is rewarded with free beers.

All in all, it was a great way to spend an afternoon. I highly recommend it to anyone who feels the need to piss away an afternoon in a decidedly unreligious manner. After all, the Church's motto is that you can't be forgiven unless you've sinned. My kind of place, really.

Edit: Thanks to Wendy for reminding me - I snapped 2 photos yesterday, of me before I left the house for the Church, and I somehow remembered to take one last night as well, after I got back. While I didn't take my camera with me to the Church - because I knew I'd either lose or break it, I think the photos do give an insight as to the damage this place does to a man.

Here we have the before, taken at 10am on Sunday morning:


And the after, taken at some point approaching midnight. Can't remember the exact time, if I'm to be honest.


I think they speak for themselves.