Global Warming

One issue that always makes an appearance in the English papers (particularly the London papers) is the issue of how England is gradually getting hotter. While the definition of hot is entirely relative - the poms think 25 degrees and higher is a scorcher - it is undoubtedly true that the climate in England is warming up.

This is a big deal in London, especially since the current mayor of London, one Ken Livingstone, is a raving left-wing ratbag with a pathological hatred of anything that has the potential to cause damage to the environment. Unsurprisingly, global warming is pretty high on his shitlist as a result.

Now, while the English are generally apathetic to the onset of global warming, I can provide them with a very good reason as to why they need to take action swiftly. See, your average pom isn't too fussed by slightly warmer weather. They see it as a good excuse to go down to Hyde Park, remove their shirt and barbecue their back. But, I can assure you, the cold weather is a superb repellent for those of us of an antipodean origin. This is what Englanders should be concerned about. The only thing preventing Aussies, Kiwis and Saffas from invading England en masse is the fact that the winter here is purportedly enough to make one's testicles shrivel up and die. I haven't experienced a winter here yet, but I have been assured the weather here is fucking cold. Although I won't be rushing to Heathrow clutching an airline ticket the moment the mercury hits 5 degrees or less, the cold weather is somewhat offputting.

And this is why England, for the sake of Englanders, needs to take immediate action against rising temperatures. Once England becomes a land of hot summers and mild winters, the climate in London will be no different to the glorious weather one encounters in Brisbane, Cape Town and Auckland. As a result, England will be invaded, nay engulfed, by those of us from the glorious Southern Hemisphere. The last barrier against massive antipodean immigration will be removed. So, unless England wants to see even more of us waving flags and belting out Pommy Bastard chants whenever we're bending them over in the Rugby, they would do well to pay heed to climate change.