Hammond's Down! Bring on the Beards

Being a huge fan of the BBC motoring program Top Gear, it was with shock and sadness that I read in the papers that Richard “Hamster” Hammond, the diminutive co-host, had come unstuck and suffered serious injury during a stunt where he was driving a jet propelled car at a speed of close to 300mph.

I was far less shocked however to almost immediately hear the weasel words emanating from various cardigan wearing types with facial hair, barely pausing to grunt a few words of condolence for Hammond before immediately berating him and the show with the biggest stick they could find.

It’s no secret that Top Gear acts a beacon, attracting hatred from lefties like the xenon headlamps on the new Jaguar XK attract insects. Some of the expressions used to describe the show include “loutish” “laddish” “”environmentally damaging” and the most common description I see in relation to Top Gear, “irresponsible.”

It is this last word that is being bandied about with gay abandon in the aftermath of Hammond’s crash, with renewed calls for Top Gear to be slowed down, or replaced altogether. I recall one of the most inane suggestions was from a bunch of bus riding beardies calling themselves Transport 2000, who wanted Top Gear replaced with a more environmentally friendly show called Third Gear, after Jeremy Clarkson killed some moss by driving over it in a Land Rover Discovery. Others have started crying wolf about the prospect of Top Gear’s army of hooded Halford’s heroes imitating further crazy stunts on the program, leading to, presumably, mass outbreaks of anti-social driving on Britain’s highways and by-ways. (Might be a bit late there chaps.)

I earn 10 pounds an hour. I know this seems random, but bear with me. I earn 10 pounds an hour. Some would call that a princely sum, others would scoff at my destitution. Regardless of your personal views, it provides me with the necessary funds to lead a comfortable lifestyle here in London.

However, it’s not really the sort of financial backing one needs in order to own and drive a Porsche 911. I don’t think it would go far towards purchasing a Maserati Quatroportte. In fact I think I’d struggle to even hire a Ferrari 430. I watch Top Gear, for the precise reason that it offers up cars and entertainment that is completely unachievable for me, in this life, or any other. I get to see cars I know full well I will never drive, I get to see stunts I could never do myself, or even attempt to do myself, and I am thoroughly entertained as a result.

The day I turn on my TV and find myself confronted by the spectre of some cardigan wearing twerp with his voice muffled by a beard trying to educate me on the joys of driving an Vauxhall Astra Diesel, or the various ways in which I can coax as many mpg from my Citroen C1 as possible, will be the day that I admit surrender to the PC brigade and summarily purchase a bicycle with solar powered headlamp.

The problem is that they just don’t get it. Top Gear doesn’t encourage lunatic driving. They do that for us, so we don’t have to. It’s as simple as that. So get well Richard, please get well. The show, and the collective health of this country’s driving populace are depending on you.