Peter Allen got it wrong

I'm not entirely sure I like the song "I still call Australia home".

I was thinking about this the other day actually. I mean, this song is supposed to be the epitome of musical tribute for all Australians who find themselves on the far side of the world, singing of a land they love, and one which they will eventually return to. It's all very sad, and very moving. Or is it? I mean, let's think about this for a moment. No-one is forcing the hero of our song to go swanning over to New York, or Rio, or old London Town. It's not like he's being frogmarched onto a jet at gunpoint and told not to come back until he's gained some cultural enlightenment. Far from it. I mean, the words of the song betray themselves.

"I'm always travelling, I love being free. And so I keep leaving the sun and the sea."

Sorry, love being free? Last time I checked, you can be free in Australia. Sure, we don't officially call ourselves the land of the free, but we certainly experience a great deal more personal freedoms than the country that does. And why does this person keep leaving anyway?

The answer folks, is because he actually dislikes Australia, deep down. And he's not alone. Hear me out on this.

See, the song 'I still call Australia home" is just a song. In itself, it doesn't mean squat, and didn't do anything except immortalise Peter Allen and convince a lot of people to fly QANTAS before they remembered how shithouse it actually was, and why they'd stopped flying with them originally. But, let's examine reality, and all of a sudden my argument makes a lot more sense.

Most of the people who come over here to London come here on a 2 year working holiday Visa. This entitles them to one year of full time work, and one year of holidaying. Most people wind up working more of that, but still, 2 years is the absolute max you can stay here. Unless you want to try and extend the Visa. And believe me, a lot of people try to do just that.

Why do they do this? Some people are in it because career prospects are better here. Fair enough. Others are here because they have relatives and family here. Again, fair enough. But a lot do it simply because they come to London and love it to death. Again, this would be fair enough, but there's a caveat to all this.

I have no problem with Australians who come over to London, love the idea of living here, and decide to spend more and more time here. What I cannnot stand, and absolutely despise, is these same "Aussies" calling themselves Australians till their dying day. You see them sometimes, still hauling out that dusty old cobweb-ridden jersey every time Australia plays someone over here in the Rugby or Cricket. They refer to themselves as being from Australia, despite the fact they long ago severed all ties to the sunburnt country.

The ones who travel are even worse. You know the ones. Those people who go to great lengths to emphasise their Australian-ness when they're travelling. One fuckwit I know, who shall remain anonymous, had a boxing kangaroo tattooed on his shoulder, and goes round showing it to everyone he meets. He went to France and in place of learning a word of French, decided he would just show everyone a tattoo. I mean, fuck. He's not alone. There are disgusting specimens all over Europe who take pride in travelling round with the arse out of their trousers, drinking up a storm and spreading the gospel of Australia, and all the drunken antics it entails.

Ask these people where they are from, and they will say Australia. Australian to the core. However, mention to them that you yourself have to head home because your visa has run out/you've run out of money/you're sick of Europe and you'll get looks of sorry, empathy and incredulity. Having to go home to Australia is apparently viewed as a bit of a prison sentence, and for the life of me, I couldn't understand why, until I had somewhat of an epiphany.

Back in Australia, you would find these same people - the ones who travel that is. They're the same fuckwits who collected their dole money, worked that dead end job and drove round in a shitty commodore. They're the same no hopers who pissed away their lives at the pub. They're the same hippies who never held down a decent job and spent their time surfing. Back home in Australia, they were seen as the dregs of society they so rightly are. But over here in England - why, they're exotic, exciting Aussies. They're from the far side of the world, keeping alive a grand tradition of Australians living and working in Europe. All of a sudden they aren't just John Smith, fuckwit and dole bludger - they're John Smith, traveller and backpacker to the stars.

That's why they find the idea of returning to Australia so abhorrent. Because when they get back, they go back to being plain old John Smith, and spending their lives whinging about how much better they apparently had it in England while everyone around them gradually pisses off and leaves them to it.

Me, I was never under any illusions of what I was here to do. I was here to work, save up some cash and see Europe. Then, at the end of it, I was going home. End of story. That's all she friggin' wrote. And come October, I'll have completed those goals.

I think ultimately what it comes down to, is that you need to enter into this with the right mindset. I have loads of friends back home, and I have plenty of plans and things I want to do and pursue when I get home. I've used my time away to realise what I wasn't doing at home, and what I need to do when I get back home. And what's more, I intend to follow through on that.

The people who are still taking great pains to call Australia home tend to be those people who have at nothing at home that they want to return to. I mean, look at Germaine Greer. 30 years over here in Pommyland and she still says she wants to be buried in Australia. Who says we want the miserable old dyke back anyway? We need her back as much as we need the rest of the wankers who've wasted the best part of their lives pissing around the world. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Some day we'll all be together once more, when all of the ships may come back to the shore...let's hope that "some day" isn't any day soon. All they’re going to be bringing back is people claiming to be Australians who obviously cannot stand Australia.