The TOP TEN

I realise this is somewhat late in arriving, but I wanted to provide some sort of a summary, so I might as well do it now. Better late than never, as they say. So, without further ado, in a shameless rip-off of David Letterman (who's ripped off everything he's ever done anyway, so who cares), I present to you -

THE TOP TEN BEST AND WORST THINGS ABOUT AMERICA.

We'll start with the best. In no particular order....


10. Alcohol. Being able to purchase alcohol in supermarkets and petrol stations is brilliant. You can buy beer anywhere - wine and liquor you need to go to a liquor store, just as in Australia. But despite this, alcohol is everywhere, and cheap. A whole carton of Budweiser heavy beers will set you back around US$12 at a supermarket (about AUS$16). And it's good beer too. A bottle of cheap bourbon is about US$10. Everything is cheap.

9. Crossing signals. Admittedly we only saw this in Washington DC, but I still thought it was worth a mention. The pedestrian crossings still have the red and green men, as per usual, but they have a counter underneath, which shows you how many seconds you have until the light changes. Makes it so easy to cross - you know exactly how long you have to either dash across, or to hold off and wait for the next one.

8. Taco Bell. We didn't try any other fast food places, but we had heard good things about this, and weren't disappointed. For a phenomenally cheap price (about US$5) the old man and I could get 2 tacos each, equipped with salad, salsa, avocado, guacamole and plenty of meat. Certainly recommended for anyone over in the US who needs a quick feed.

7. Highway Signposts. You can never get lost on a US highway - particularly if you're looking for accommodation, food or gas. On the interstate, you will encounter signs telling you, in detail, what facilities and services are available at every highway exit. When it's late and you're looking for a motel, this particular feature is a godsend.

6. Numbering Roads. This is the other reason why you'll never get lost in the US. Every road is numbered. I mean every road. If you're travelling between towns, even the tiny little dead end road that leads down to some inbred farm and nowhere else has a number. All you ever need to know is the number of the road you're on, and the number of the road you want to get to. No more dicking about looking for exits for a certain town, or trying to memorise a dizzying succession of road names. Given the average intelligence and memory of the average US citizen, I can understand why they number the roads.

5. Drivers and Road Sense. Believe it or not, your average American driver is reasonably considerate. They respect strength, and prey on weakness. So, provided you partake in highway brinksmanship, you'll do rather well. In your car, slam on the indicator and merge, regardless of whether space currently exists or not. Your average American lives in a crowded city, and takes merging to be part of daily life. They'll let you in, trust me. (Warning - Do not attempt this trick on any vehicle with a Confederate Flag, a gun rack, a driver holding a bottle marked Jack Daniels or a Texas number plate.)

4. Cleanliness. Apart from New York, which is a bit of a dive, the rest of America is remarkably clean. In terms of litter and graffiti that is. Part of it is due to the fact that they use chain gangs to clean the highway edges, and the other part are the stupendously huge fines for littering. Either way, the old man, who has a pet hate for graffitti (it's that damned principal's mentality) enjoyed this a great deal, and spent most of the trip telling Yanks what a beautiful country they had.

3. History. Americans have a great respect for their historical past. Pretty much all the Civil War sites we went to were universally well maintained. But more than that, they also have museums, particularly the Smithsonian, which has some fantastic exhibits. Americans are acutely aware of their cultural heritage, and have gone to great lengths, spared no expense to keep it alive for future generations. It's great to see.

2. Patriotism. This is a given. I know some people would contend this is a bad thing, in excessive amounts. But by and large, the majority of Americans aren't over the top - there are plenty of flags on display in the country, everywhere you go. Guys wear small flags on the lapels of their suits, which I wish was something you could actually get to do in Australia without being called a wanker. I know Nye approves of this idea.

1. Uniforms. Americans do these very, very well. Everyone, whether they're a NYPD officer, a security guard, a National Park Ranger or a dustman, has an immaculate uniform, with brass, badge, hat, boots and all. Compared this to your average Australian wearing a uniform, who generally looks like a sack of shit tied up in the middle.

And now, for the worst. Again, in no particular order...

10. Alcohol. The fact you can buy alcohol anywhere is both good and bad. The bad part is the fact that alcohol is cheap as hell means you get a ton of alkos roaming around the place. Lord knows if I stayed there much longer there would have been another one, namely me.

9. SUV's. Ok, the highways are fantastic, but the cars that inhabit them suck. Big time. They suck juice like Lewinsky, and are almost always driven by the sort of person who thinks side mirrors are for losers. Motorcyclists hate these bloody things, and for good reason. I can easily understand why. We had the same problem with our little Kia Rio, which weighs about as much as the engine in one of those Yank Tanks. Size isn't everything - a wee little Toyota Hilux can pull that caravan just as well as that gigantic Dodge piece of shit you're driving.

8. Fat people. I think I used the phrase "titanic roaming meatbags" to describe certain Americans, and I still haven't changed my view. Alright, there are fat people in all countries, but it takes America to produce the seriously fat bastards that have their own centre of gravity, and obstruct whole sidewalks when they go for a promenade. It's appalling.

7. Fireworks and Beer. Beer is good. Fireworks are good. But not together. The fact that for a fiver you can purchase a dozen bungers and a six pack is bound to end in trouble. I shudder to think how many good ol' boys have had fingers, toes, arms, hair, eyebrows and god knows what else removed because of this lethal combination. No doubt many of you think it's a good thing, and no doubt it is. Until part of you is removed rather quickly.

6. Fast Food. I know I praised Taco Bell, but that's about the limit of it. Everything else is beyond all doubt universal slop. We didn't try anything else,but judging from the ads we knew what we were in for. Not only is the food undoubtedly crap, but the sheer number of venues is amazing. And they wouldn't have this many stores if they couldn't support themselves. Even a run down dump the equivalent size of Binna Burra has it's own Subway and Maccas. Eat something else for christ's sake.

5. Automation. For many people, this would be a good thing, but I can't stand it. Every car is designed with the sole aim of making as many "bing" noises as possible. It bings when you've forgotten to put your seatbelt on. It bings when you put the key in. It bings when you turn it on. It bings when you turn it off. It bings if a door is open. "YES, I KNOW I'VE TURNED THE BLOODY THING ON - THAT'S WHY THE ENGINE IS RUNNING!" You see this sort of rubbish in bathrooms too. The taps come on automatically. Soap dispenses automatically. Towels and paper dispense automatically. The end result is you're standing there like a goose, waiting for whatever it is that's supposed to be coming out. Some would say this is convenience, but I call more of the laziness that plagues an otherwise great country.

4. Showers. No matter what motel we stayed at, or anywhere for that matter, the showers were unfailingly ridiculous. And none of them were the same. What's wrong with having 2 taps? But nooooo - it's got to be some sodding lever that you have to rotate twenty times to get the right temperature, or something you need to pull out, or push in, or pump up and down. Completely ridiculous. The end result was that you either burnt or froze yourself, and wasted shitloads of water.

3. Greenbacks. The US Dollar might very well be stronger than ours, but that doesn't mean it's a better design. I think sometimes we take for granted how easy it is to recognise our money - every note has its own colour, and they're all a different length. The American bills are all the same length, and same colour. Now, I didn't have a huge problem with this, but the old man almost got ripped off twice by people shortchanging him - only his diligence in checking his change prevented him from being stiffed to the tune of ten dollars. No doubt we're not the first, nor the last people they've attempted to rip-off, and the fact that all the money looks similar when it's in a bundle makes it easy for them to do it. Bastards.

2. Pollution. The United States is a fantastic place to look at. Seriously. It's far greener than Australia, and has some magnificent sweeping vistas. It's just a shame that you can't see it for the smog. I'm sure LA has some fantastic mountains. Shame you can never see them. Toronto was one gigantic smoke cloud. Manhattan was hazy. At least in Brisbane if you can't see the horizon you know it's because it's raining.

1. George W Bush. 'Nuff said.